My husband unilaterally decided to leave corporate life over 5 years ago. He has barely had an income since and through a combination of bad luck and his bad career/investment decisions we have gone through all our savings (except retirement). The thing is, I can deal with this and not hate him. What I can’t deal with is the way he treats me because he is always in crisis. He is defensive and often mean. He is not the dad I thought he would be and he is not the husband I remember. Living cooped up during this time has made things worse. I’m so lonely and so tired of this. I don’t care if we’re broke but I do care about being treated with love and respect. I don’t know what to do.
This falls into the category of "men suck." He is obviously lashing out because he's angry at himself for being a failure, and is projecting that onto you instead of owning it. It's hard to blame someone for leaving corporate life, which was probably soul-crushing, but he clearly didn't have a well thought-out plan and he didn't consult you or consider anyone else's needs or opinions. No one wants to live with someone who is mean and treats them disrespectfully. I think you need an exit strategy. I'm sorry.
Thank you. I’m just so sad. I feel really trapped. Young kid. And now we‘re broke. And obviously covid. He is very angry at himself. Full of shame and his own worst enemy. I try to be kind but it gets me nowhere. I speak up and he makes me the bad guy.
I agree with the other poster that your marriage problems seem more of an outgrowth of his personal issues. I'm sorry I don't have any advice, but I send hugs.
Thank you so much. I really do feel like what I need is a hug.
Have you tried the direct punch each time he's mean ? No long explanation or discussion just "Don't make your failures my fault ; treat me with respect."
have you talked to him about this?
If it’s been 5 years, I think it is time to give him an ultimatum. He either needs to start contributing or trial separation. I am sorry OP, I really sympathize with you. You shouldn’t have to live like this.
One suggestion is to lower your income now yourself (work less yourself?) or you may have to pay him spousal and child support if you separate. Get back on the train once he finds a job. I wish I knew a good book to recommend but those books like Codependent No More are sort of out of date and I haven't seen any new ones lately. I would add that I would also consider if he might be clinically depressed or otherwise struggling with mental health issues. Some men harm themselves in these unemployment/can't support their family situations so while I endorse a separation if things remain the way they are you have to steel yourself for these type of consequences too.