DH and I are in our mid-30s. Most of our friends are either single with no intention of marrying ever or newly married with no kids (yet or intentionally childfree). Those few of our friends who did have kids seem to be doing okay if they only have one kid, but it seems like almost everyone who had a second kid got divorced within two years of having that child. We just have one right now and would like a second but are worried that it’s going to upend our lives. DH and I get along really well - no marriage or financial issues. Seeing all the 2nd child divorces is giving me pause though. Those folks seemed happy and financially comfortable before, too. Is this a real phenomenon, or just small number statistics in my circle?
Very few couples we know have split, regardless of how many DC, all our close friends with 2 DC are still together.
We are in our early 40s and most of our friends now have 3 kids. Most all still married. Not everyone is happy but I can only think of 2 couples I know who got divorced and they were both after only 1 kid.
Having two kids (also two geriatric high needs labradors) during a pandemic is a ton of work. We are exhausted and often crabby with each other. A third child would end us.
I think kids amplify whatever is going on in a marriage, good and bad. I haven't seen many divorces in our group of friends, but the number of kids doesn't seem to be the decisive factor.
The couples I know who divorced are the ones everyone knew would get divorced. I know peoplen in great marriages who have been married 10 years with no kids, 20 years with 5 kids and everything in between.
It’s an odd coincidence with some select people you know
sometimes marriages are really over but people have another child to try to make it work, consciously or not. and when that doesn't work or even brings the problems into sharper relief, they call it quits publicly.
We are married 18 years with 2 teenagers, but I will say that it was when our second was about 2 years old that I dragged DH to couples counseling. (Which only helped in the sense that it gave us a common enemy, the therapist, but that's another story). With one child and a full-time job, and no family help, I was at about the edge of my capacity. But when the second arrived, I really needed DH to step up, and this wasn't obvious to him. I think he was used to me being super-woman, and he just continued going about his oblivious ways. If you have a DH who is kind and thoughtful and anticipates the needs of others, you'll be fine.
+1. Couples therapy after second child. This response is spot on. We have 3 kids and have been married for 11 years. I’d never regret having my kids.
@Anonymous Agree, And I think the answer to the OP's question is that family life with young kids is a grind. It's really hard and exhausting, and frankly not very rewarding on a daily basis, and it needs to be a team effort. If you don't have family nearby to help, or if your partner isn't in with both feet, then the anger and resentment and sleep-deprived state of dementia will build and the marriage will fall apart.
Question - are you looking for a reason not to have a second? That's how i read this. Do what works for you, don't worry about what happened to everyone else!
OP. Maybe. I was an only child and was extremely lonely and bullied by my helicopter parents who hyperfocused on me. Now I am trying to manage sick elderly parents on my own, which is hard. So for these reasons, I really want my child to have a sibling. However, I had really bad birth complications with #1 and am already feeling like I am near a breaking point with work-life balance (even though DH is amazingly helpful and a true partner - my job is just really intense). I am sure the pandemic is making it worse than it would be otherwise. Maybe we will wait a couple years and reassess the situation.
Yeah agreed. These are very difficult times, don't pressure yourself. Who could have seen this coming (except an epidemiologist and Bill Gates).
I find this post very strange. Truly happy couples with no marital or financial issues who want another child have one. If you truly don't have marital or financial issues, then you most certainly have social issues, and that is worth addressing. Living your life in comparison to others is a short, bumpy road to disaster.
Your friends may also be influencing one another, https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/10/21/is-divorce-contagious/ or have key things in common--maybe depending on how you all know one another? Like the kind of work they do or expectations they have.
For us 2 kids was much harder on our marriage than the 1st. We just had our 3rd and really the 2nd was harder.
Agree with this. Although I found the transition from 0-1 very hard. Third kid is piece of cake.
OP, I had similar feelings when we were deciding whether or not to have a second. We had demanding careers and no local family. We also talked a lot about the impact on us personally and in terms of our marriage. We ultimately decided that one child was right for us. While I'm sometimes curious about the path not taken, I've got no regrets (she's now 18 yo). But from the time our daughter was about 18 months until she was about 4, people frequently asked us when we were having another baby. It's almost an assumption. I don't think that most people get divorced after #2, but I do think another baby puts more pressure on both parents, especially if they're both working.
There are people who already know the marriage isn’t going well, but at least want their child to have a full sibling.
Meh. Not all siblings get along.
I have a friend who has a very rocky relationship with her husband, she is often threatening to leave him, he is not engaged enough, etc. But she wants a second and wants it with him, says she doesn't want another men in her life. I find it hilarious that she tells him to pack up one day and the next they are trying for a second.
@Anon Awww. That's sad. She's in a bind. I'm sure you don't mean funny haha.
It's complicated obviously, but it's mostly her being really unreasonable and quite dramatic. I can say I find it funny because she also admits that and has accepted it. We have been friends since elementary and have gone through a lot together and separately, so we are more jaded and cynical.