s/o from post below on surviving the winter. DH and I make an income that would be amazing anywhere else in the country, but just edges us into UMC in NYC. I don't normally want for more. We have a small but decent apartment, our kids attend good public schools, we eat out once a week (you know, back when you could eat out), owning a car isn't in our budget but we can rent as necessary.
For whatever reason, all my close friends are in the upper-UMC to UC range. They take amazing vacations and they all have cars and country homes and most of their kids are in private school. Again, it normally doesn't bother me. I can listen to them talk about their awesome vacation to Italy and hey, that's great, glad you enjoyed it. But since Covid...the differences between their lives and mine right now are so stark. They talk about their country homes and private schools while I grit my teeth. They're renting ski-in-ski-out houses for the winter while we are looking at months of being cooped up in our tiny space. And all their finance jobs seem completely secure (bonuses will be higher this year, yay!) while DH and I are frantically worried about upcoming layoffs. I'm trying not to be a jealous, but it's really hard.
Thoughts? Wisdom?
If knowing you have a twin out there in NYC comforts you in any way, take solace. I wish more than I ever have before that we had more financial cushion. I feel like our place is swallowing us whole, since everyone is here ALL.THE.TIME. Meanwhile, my friends are either whimsically buying the condo next door to combine the two spaces, escaping to their vacation homes or just buying a new place. It’s the pits for sure - though I try ( but fail) to remind myself how lucky we truly are.
Me 3
Thanks @ Anonymous . It actually does help to know others are in the same situation!
100%. One of my child is suffering mental health issues due to having his school life ripped out from under him and ALL i want to do is pay for him to go to a fully in person private and I can't afford it.
I'm so sorry. these responses make me so sad.
How old is your child? I have a 12 yo and feel similar.
7. He's started having at least one epic meltdown a week - screaming, sobbing. He was always a little tricky but this is next level. what is going on w your 12 yo?
I mean, you could just not be so materialistic.
Go to museums, go to the parks. Get a good coat and yes, you can go in winter.
You know what was awesome today? The Cloisters and Ft. Tryon Park. Absolutely wonderful.
We probably make half what you make, but we enjoy ourselves. We found ways to do that even in March and April. It’s not impossible.
we are not as rich as the friends you describe but our kids are in private in person and we bought a second house and I feel like it's uncomfortable now to talk to my friends who don't have those things and I wonder if they are hating on us behind our backs which your post proves probably yes
I doubt they are hating on you personally, it’s just the situation itself. Feels like everyone has more, even though it’s not really true
ditto. I haven't told half my friends or co-workers that I'm about to close on a lake house. Feel like I have survivors guilt as the pandemic hasn't messed with my family too much.
Look they are going to find out. I can't sit here and justify why we have more than some of our friends, and plenty of our friends have far more than we do. My MO is to take care of my family and we made a decision that this is best for the kids. never considered this before Covid. I resent people who can't be happy for us ans just wallow in their misery. Life is unfair. Tomorrow it could be me. I'm jealous of plenty of people, but I also want to enjoy our purchase without feeling i owe people a show of guilt.
Second homes can be 200k or they can be limitless... not everyone with a second home has a multi million dollar place...but I do feel
you!
This
Life is not fair. And there are millions in this city who envy you and your family.
Of course. There are people starving, etc etc etc.
Never compare your inside to someone else's outside. That's the first thing. The second thing is that finance jobs are in no way secure. Firms have been quietly laying people off since the summer, and it will be open season in 2021. Finally, you will be so much happier and content if you live YOUR best life rather than vicariously living someone else's best life. I'm sure you'll find our own life is good and wonderful enough if you let it be and begin to appreciate it.
Thanks! I really didn't feel a lot of envy for my wealthier friends...until Covid. Now I find conversations with them hard to take. But I don't want to cut off my friendships either, for obvious reasons. I'm just venting. I wish I was in a different circle that was more similar in terms of financials.
But that’s your choice to feel that way about their circumstances. Disconnect from that. And if you share how your feeling (cramped, stressed), you will have friends who can commiserate and empathize even if that’s not their current circumstance.
I think the way that you are feeling is very normal and understandable, and some of these replies really lack a basic empathy or understanding. Just accept your feelings and don't judge yourself. We are in a very tough situation right now, and you are allowed to give yourself some grace.
I also think it's okay to take some space from certain friends. I view your feelings as similar to someone who is having difficulty getting pregnant, and does not want to be surrounded by pregnant people right now. No one would judge that. I also don't think it means that you are envious of specific people or their lives; you are just wishing for an ease that a lot of people seem to have right now (though I think deep down you know that it's not really a "lot" of people who have the ease you are describing).
And generally, maybe aim for more diversity in your friend group. I have a similar issue as you where I find that we are surrounded by a lot of wealth; it's the result of various decisions we have made, but I try and seek out diversity (and not just wealth diversity) because being around the same kind of people distorts your perspective. And in this case, it's going to naturally lead to these feelings. If your kids are in public school, why are all your friends private school families with second homes? I'm not saying to get rid of your current friends, but I would actively try to change that as a long term thing. I say the same thing to my friends who are, for example, 40 and unmarried -- you should not have all couple friends.
Yes - I'd love to find a new group of friends! It's funny, my closest friends are from college and parents from our private preschool. Some of these folks (esp ones from college) weren't particularly well off when we met. It just happens that their jobs and lives went in one direction. And mine went in another.
I probably do need some distance, but I have to weigh that against feeling even lonelier than I do now.
NP. As someone who had had to distance herself from friends who are wealthy AND those who are pregnant or have babies I can say that it helps a ton. Unfollowing it al on fb has also done more for my mental health than therapy.
Wow. sorry for all the typos
i think the key is not to focus on what other people have and figure out what you can realistically do to improve your situation. I like public elementary and want to stay in public- I considered switching to a private for full time school but being in private is not a guarantee. All schools may end up remote in 1-2 months. Instead, I got a tutor for my 7 year old who is not expensive- and we are doing 6-10 hours a week scheduled when he doesn’t have live zooms and it’s made a huge improvement in his mood and what he’s learning. My nanny takes my 4 & 7 year old to the park after real or remote school every day. I bet there are some things you can do to improve your current situation. We don’t have a second home and just enjoy doing things on the weekends like going out to dinner with friends and seeing friends and family. Dh and I and dcs are all very social and having a second home and fancy vacations sounds nice but in reality fun a lot more about having nice times with others than being upper middle class vs upper class to make you happy. Don’t focus on what others have.
many of the things you describe, while they would make us all feel better - like seeing friends and family - unless outside - are not recommended due to covid. the lack of doing those things is what is leading many people to feel this way .
I would much rather have my old life back pre-Covid than be panic buying a house.
So try doing more of that, just bundle up. Don’t focus on pre Covid life and what sucks, instead, get some warm clothes and meetup with friends outside or do other stuff that you enjoy and can do now.
I think your feelings are valid. Covid has really opened my eyes to the difference between the haves and have nots. The city version meaning well off and middle class. I am feeling similarly to you, in regards to school. We can’t pay for private and My kids are at an unfair disadvantage.
Honestly, I just hate posts like this, and all the posts telling you it’s perfectly fine and totally normal to whine about all your privilege bc you don’t have the things your even-more-privileged friends have.
It’s not fine, it’s not normal. It’s obnoxious as hell.
oh well then that should make op's feelings go away. Assume you never complain due to the fact that there is certainly someone worse off than you. Basically your point is no one should ever complain unless they are literally the most unfortunate person in the whole world.
Exactly. If your friend called you crying and told you her dog died, would you say "stop crying, at least it's not your mother"? There's no reason to play misery poker here. Feelings are valid.
Do I complain about not having a second home or private school? No, I honestly never do. I have a HHI way lower than most of you. I have a family I like spending time with, I’m able to pay my mortgage and put money in my kid’s college fund, I live in a city that at the moment seems to be handling this pandemic better than most of the world, I’m going to the Met today and tomorrow my kid is going to school. Do I want to be upstate or somewhere on LI? Oh, hell, no. So I’m pretty ecstatic, to tell you the truth, given where things could be. I really feel NYC UMC people need a major attitude adjustment. Whatever rich people do isn‘t automatically better. Upstate is boring, and I’d rather have my kids in public school half time than in a “learning pod“ in someone’s hamptons playroom. If the super rich in NYC suddenly decided they want zebras as pets, half of you here would be crying in your tea at the inequity of your kids missing out on zebras. Get over yourselves.
That's just nasty.
You are all in a bubble here, reinforcing each other’s purposeless negativity. It already ruined one once-useful message board. Again, there is mental health help out there.
@anonymous You sound clueless.
are you tied to nyc? It seems a lot of your cost of living issues are tied to living in a $$ city.
Yes, very tied to nyc.
Honestly I think I'd feel way better if my kids could just go to school 3 days/week instead of one.
If you’re in a NYC public, your kid is in school at least 1/3 time. Which is. More than 1 day a week
Yeah, OP is really sliding into histrionics.
In NYC someone is always going to be richer, skinnier or have better real estate than you. Find people who nuture your mind and spirit and quit the financial comparisons.
Give yourself a break. It’s ok to feel this way. pretty much everyone I know has decamped into their second home or their parents suburban home and Spends their days reading books and posting Instagram pictures of sunset. We have neither. My family is in Europe in a small apartment and my in laws are not an option. we could rent a country home in lower COL area (not the Hamptons ) but DH’s office never closed so the option is go alone and stay in somebody else’s house or stay in nyc as a family. We decided to stay, focus on buying an apt next year and recognize that this too shall pass. Yes it sux right now but no it won’t suck forever.
I think there are 1 or 2 rich women here who feel attacked by this--likely women who inherited or married their wealth and did not work for it themselves. They feel everyone is judging them and everyone likely is--so they turn it around on you calling you negative.