I am almost 50 - have worked throughout entire marriage. And worked hard. Have 2 kids, one leaving for college next year and the other only a few years away. My dh has always had a steady income but nothing terrific, not bad either, but not enough without me supplementing. i have always paid for the big things, summer camp, vacations, Down payment on home and most of our mortgage, furnishing the home, and so on. Im
pretty tired. Like exhausted. I see most of my peers living much nicer lives and they don’t contribute to it being nicer. My dh is just fine as is, fine with me working, fine fine fine. Im just done. Im drained. I haven’t slept with him in almost 2 months. Any Btdt?
Sometimes when I'm just drained and tired I try to find things which are wrong, even though I realize that none of these things are actually what are driving my feelings. I'm not in your situation, but just for perspective realize that (a) you have a job, (b) that pays well, (c) your husband works, (d) together you've provided for your family. I know that all those things are hard and takes work, and it might seem that others have an easier life, but we all know that that usually is not the case, or, at the very least, not the whole story.
Why should you assume you don't have to work?
I hear you, but I hope you realize that even though you have friends or peers who live "nicer lives," (a) at least 90% of the world's population is worse off than you are, and most people can't afford to have everything they want, no matter how hard they work, and (b) you are comparing your insides to other people's outsides. Everyone has struggles and problems.
Why are you paying for the downpayment and most of the mortgage if he has the higher income? Could your issue be in how you approach $$ as a couple? I have been both SAHM (5 years) and WOHM. We couldn’t have the life we have without my working and that’s just the way it is. Some people live further out of the city in a less expensive home, don’t save and live a life that from the outside appears much nicer. That’s not the choice we want to make. Could you make that trade off to stop working?
@Anonymous where did you get the he has the higher income? I always have.
@Anonymous sorry about that. When you referred to your “supplementing,” it suggested to me that his was the primary income and yours supplemented family income to pay for discrete items
as another wohm primary breadwinner I can totally relate to your post. i also feel like I’ve got to work harder to be present for my kids, to connect with other parents at school etc. it’s exhausting. I’m grateful to be busy but I’m not enjoying my current work environment as much as usual because zoom is so intense, but I miss all the social interactions with my clients and colleagues. It’s lonelier now yet it’s also more intense. can you plan little stuff to look forward to? Read a great book, watch a new show, try to reconnect with your DH because that negative energy is also draining. fine all the time is better than a stressed out maniac 😬
Also how are your hormones? maybe menopause?
@Anonymous thanks - I wish I had time to read a book. I’m working constantly, or studying with kids. I am getting my hair colored at 7:30 am! That’s how crazy it is.
@Anonymous I get it, I’ve been coloring my own hair, which I don’t recommend! Maybe listen to a book as you‘re moving around. To give you some time to regroup. Think of it as a pit stop. I’m really enjoying ‘think like a monk’ right now, it was published this summer and couldn’t have been better timed!
I hear you OP. I could have written the same post. I feel the same way too and find it hard to carry on doing everything like I used to when I was in my 30s. I find it frustrating that there seems to be no end in sight and I must continue to work hard for the foreseeable future.
@ Anonymous thank you. Would welcome some machismo, just a tiny bit. I’m so sick of this.
Count your blessings. Seriously. Count each and every one of them. You know the problem with being married to a Master of the Universe? You're married to a Master of the Universe. Being taken care of should not be the goal. It's teamwork and partnership all the way.
I am not being sarcastic, but ... at least he has a job. There are plenty of men who were laid off during the financial crisis and haven’t worked since. Those are the real a-holes.
I would go to therapy and try to work on getting over your own burnout.
I'm feeling the same. I'm working remotely while supervising DC's remote learning. DH was out of work since March, so he was a big help at home. He recently went back to work on-site and I'm resenting it. I'm the breadwinner and we could get on just fine without his salary. I'd prefer if he turned down the work and helped me at home, but he's "grateful" for his job. Meanwhile, I'm trying to balance a full-time job, 2 young DCs, meals and housekeeping. DH leaves early and comes home late. I'm burned out. At this point, I'm hoping to get fired so I can focus on taking care of my family. My work is pointless, but it requires so much of my time and energy. I can't stop working though. DH doesn't know how to make real money. We'd starve.
who are you miserable people? of course you wouldn't starve. you would just have a different lifestyle. sounds like you need a dose of dh's gratefulness. seriously.
Hire a full time helper with DH’s salary
OP, responding to you not the intervening replies, this sounds like burnout. In some (emotionally and financially high-functioning) families this is when you would step off the merry-go-round and go away for a week by yourself. What are the chances of you cashing in some vacation and checking in to like... a chain hotel in Times Square or something? Then ordering in and watching TV until you were rested and genuinely interested to see your family? If you felt like it, you could invite the kids for a night each at the end. If you were really nice you could have lunch with your husband. He would have had to manage on his own or with whatever help he could get from your old babysitters, and he might be better educated/contrite/ready to talk about changes to the routine.
Or OP could just stay home, save the money, and decide actively to practice gratitude and self-care.