I moved away from my hometown and my sister stayed. Strangely, my relatives all think that I became some sort of loser and my sister is the successful one. I am an attorney and she is a teacher. I bought a house a few years ago and no one believes it’s possible that I could actually afford it. I sometimes wonder whether my mom and sister tell them I am some sort of failed existence?
Did you move from a smaller town to a big city? I often find that our relatives who live in rural or suburban/exurban places think we're insane for living in NYC. And maybe they're right -- we live in a small apartment and only recently got a car.
I moved from a smaller (but still big) city to NYC. I live in a suburb now and have a house, whereas they mostly live in apartments (not all of them).
I suspect they all think you are the big success but are worried about her feelings and want to ensure that SHE doesn’t feel less than in comparison to you. Your mom has probably received direct recoil from sister when she has praised your successes - eg, DD just bought house, passed the bar, made partner, etc
My sister acts as if I had everything handed to me. In reality, I worked extremely hard in college and law school while she partied throughout her 20s. I think she tells people false stories about me - I broke off contact because I couldn’t take her toxicity anymore but I am sure she badmouths me. My mom probably plays down everything I do - to what end , I don’t know.
Honestly, OP, you can't know unless you ask. If you have a relative whom you trust, tell.them what you've noticed and ask them what they think. Graciously accept their answer and move on.
I'm sorry this is happening, OP. We can speculate but I don't think it can answer your question.
I should do this sometime when I see them again. My mother never says anything good about me either. My dad did though - he told random people (neighbors and colleagues) how proud he was of me. My mom never did that and as nice as she is, I feel like she is a bit jealous. Although I accomplished everything that SHE wanted me to do, so it’s a bit surprising that the same things now bother her.
So your dad (who I presume has passed, sorry! mine too...) used to brag about you to strangers but your mom was more reserved. That seems reasonable, especially with a less successful sister who is around to hear what parents are saying about your accomplishments. I lost a little sympathy for you though with this post. Your tone suggests you look down on your mom, and you want to lump her in with your sister because they don’t adequately praise you.
I am not here for sympathy and in keeping with your tone, I lost a little respect for you for judging someone’s relationship based on 1 misinterpreted line. My mom is the person I am closest to in my entire life (besides me children) and don’t need strangers telling me I look down on her.
Op, Is there any chance you are an efficient person in a family where other people are together in struggles like mental illness, drinking? And that you felt early judgement of them, and then loss of warmth from them? Did you mentally and emotionally separate early? Of course you would still love and miss them in a way and wish them to appreciate your successs, but they might be a little scared. Asking b/c I think I have seen parents a little afraid of their high-powered kids, more so when kids are high-powered adults.
For sure scared and hurt people act weird, often on both sides of family scenarios. And the way you‘re experiencing their weirdness is real, and sorry about the not appreciating. You are amazing, say people on the internet!
Different scenario but I liked this recently www.thecut.com/amp/2021/01/i-want-my-family-to-love-me-unconditionally.html
I think, due to where and when they were born, many of them were underachievers compared to their previous generations and their innate abilities. I believe that this fostered a sense of fatalism in them, so that they don’t believe in the power of personal achievement.
I totally hear you, OP. I have a similar situation with my mon's boyfriend (so not even a real family member). He has a son that is struggling and kind of failed to launch, so I find that my mom often puts me in a position where I have to downplay any accomplishments and listen to him talk down to me and give me dumb financial advice or other mansplained BS, in order to spare their feelings. It really stings. I also have a friend who is a very successful academic but is single and never had kids...her family makes her feel like the failure even though it's so crazy.
I don't know what the solution is, because I feel like they'll never change. I try to seek my validation elsewhere.
Wow, I am sorry that this is happening and can totally relate!
Hey, OP, I think I understand. My mother talked shit about me to family off and on for years. And I'm her highest achieving child (not due to her). I think its a combination of jealousy/resentment and her preference for the males in the family. I just stopped caring and stopped sharing anything personal with her. At the age of 91, years after I retired, she asked me what I did for a living @#$!?
You can try to understand them, but, ultimately, you can't change them. Figure out what makes you happy and what relationship you want with these people and focus on that.
We all want our parents' approval no matter how old we are. I never got that or the attention I wanted and as a child, needed. It's something I still struggle with as an adult and as a parent. It is very painful. Know you are not alone.
You are not alone. I truly believe some parents want their kids to do well, but not that well. I think both parents talk negatively about me and my sibling to family. So people in the family treat us a certain way. Both of us focus on our careers and our kids while our parents kind of flounder. It’s a weird dynamic for sure