A statement I see on here often when women complain about their DHs is shouldn't they have known he was like that when dating. To a certain extent I agree, but I also see that the stress of kids and life is hard to simulate before they've happened. Also, people change. For those who are disappointed in DH, do you feel the flags were there?
I do feel like there were some flags that I should have paid more attention to. But you are right, our lives are incredibly more stressful now than when we were in our 20s.
One flag that I probably didn't pay enough attention to is to look at his parents' marriage and how it worked. In DH's family, his dad worked a lot, and his mom handled everything else (and she worked too, but they clearly considered her job secondary). Seriously, his dad had no idea what his kids did, no idea of their finances, had never shopped for anything for the household a day in his life. Life was just handled for him. Now DH is not as bad, but because this was his model, he think he deserves a medal for exceeding a threshhold of zero contribution. So take a good look at his family, and what your future DH thinks of how he grew up. It takes a lot of mental effort to not default to how your parents did it as your model of family life.
Exact same situation
i think a lot of the flag s were there but its complicated by the fact that some things that are problematic now are in a lot of cases just big intensifications of behaviors that are in some ways functional/desirable. Like, he's never been lazy. He works and works hard and when we got together i worked all the time too. But now its almost compulsive for him, work is all that matters. yes, we're well-provided for but he's also rarely around and when he is, he's not really present a lot of the time. Etc.
We met in college and lived together for many years before we got married (even broke up once or twice), and waited a few years more after marrying before we had kids. The truth is that my DH was a completely different person at 37 when we had our first child, than he was at 20, 25, 30. For the better.
I'll say what I think, but lots here won't like it. Women defer to men. They want to be married, they want kids, they're afraid the men will leave, and they accept a whole lot of shit. It's possible to not do that, and it's possible to stick to your guns.
I didn't want to be married or have kids at any cost, and I didn't want to have kids in circumstances that were not good. I held out until the time was right. If it had never been right, I would have been happier not doing it.
My DH is 1000x better now than when we were dating. He's a great husband and a fantastic dad. He does a lot, in all areas of our lives.
I think part of it is that we met in college, and not strictly "dating". When you're dating, it's like an audition--you're both on your best behavior, and it isn't real.
In college, you are around others, you see each other in classes, you have a front-row seat to several areas of the other person's life. And even still, it took us over a decade to figure it all out.
ETA, my parents had your very typical, selfish-man-who-did-nothing and mom-who-pulled-all the weight and was miserable-until-she -finally-divorced-him-marriage. I knew what I didn't want.
I am totally you. I think waiting to have kids and knowing your partner for a long time before you have them is a big factor too.
But the biggest factor is not allowing these things to creep in the first place. I think for many they start as small things and women just accept it to keep the peace and then they grow. They like doing things for their spouse so they don't mind at first. Then it piles on and the guy is so used to his wife doing so much that it doesn't even occur to them that its a problem. So many women don't even say anything until they are exasperated and by then its far too late. If the relationship was set up as an equal partnership from the start - where each partners time is valued by the other, these imbalances don't have a chance to grow.
@Anon I think you're right, but for us it was never the household stuff. My DH always liked to cook and had no issues with stuff around the house--it was more about Work with a capital 'W' as being the first and most important thing, and taking priority over everything else. And being that we met in school and are in the same field and both work with similar incomes, it was pretty laughable to me. Like, why the F do I have to take the backseat here, again?? Lol. I knew 100% when my DH was full of shit about having to do "super-important" work, because--hello--I was doing the same damn thing. So I was able to tell him to back the fuck off, and I had a lot of credibility. Over the years, we've flip-flopped in terms of earning power--sometimes he has done better, at the moment I am--but we're basically equal. And our lives overall are better when we share responsibility for all areas of our lives. He used to argue with me about that, but doesn't anymore bc he sees that it's true.
I think so many of these guys who "have to work so hard " they can't manage anything else and "have no choice" are just full of shit.
ETA while I was writing this and we're both trying to WFH with K dc off for lunar new year, my DH has been telling our son we can't go scooting in the park until he finishes his broccoli rabe, lol. Then he was covered in the stuff, and says "But Daddy, you're the one who made me eat the broccoli rabe in the first place!" And you know, I can ignore it and have this here discussion w you guys, bc he's dealing. Gender equality is a beautiful thing--
@anonymous Agreed. Its learned incompetence from having the luxury to just focus on one thing.