I have been married for more than 20 years. Not that happily. We have a nice family and we have a lot in common value wise, but he’s not for me and never was. I had a long affair. I’m about to start another. I don’t want to live like this. Time to get divorced? Kids are older. I’m not looking to leave for the new guy. He’s married etc. I’m just looking to start fresh maybe...am
i crazy? Will I be alone forever?
So, what exactly are the values you and dh share? Loyalty? Honesty? Prioritizing family? Self-respect? Wait.
You want to take this on in a pandemic? I recommend self-reflection instead. you sound like you are looking for outside validation to fill a void. Look I'm speaking from experience. It was such a waste of time. I wish I could get that time back.
@Anonymous I guess I am. I am also looking for someone who fits me better, so it’s not such an existential thing. Can’t it ever be that? Or am I oversimplifying?
Sadly it is a myth. No one can make you feel truly better about yourself indefinitely and no one comes without baggage.
@Anonymous Do something that makes you proud of yourself. You only go around once in this life and this is how you want to spend your time? What a waste.
Once I can understand how that might happen. But twice?! yes you need to leave first. Was your husband aware of the first one?
@Anonymous he was not aware.
It's not your dh. It's you. You are the problem, and you are the only solution. You can keep trying to have someone else fill a void that's inside you, but it's like a cup with a hole in the bottom. You're always going to end up empty. Happiness is about a choice. You have a family, a history, children you've raised together. You could choose to be happy. Fix what's wrong inside you so that you can make that choice. Or leave him and then leave the next one and the next one and the next one after that. There's no joy in that path, but if that's what you choose, then best of luck, and get going so that your dh can find someone who values him. He won't have a problem with that. Plenty of young women looking for sugar daddies (whether real or perceived).
+1, very well written
Well said. Wherever you go, there you are. You can either choose to be happy or not. It is totally in your control. It took me a long time to realize that, and it can seem like a double edged sword to realize that you alone are responsible for everything in your life, but it's also truly liberating.
Have you read any of Esther Perel's stuff, especially The State of Affairs? She clarifies a lot of this yearning and why people cheat. Like everyone is saying, it's not about your husband, this is something in you. You may never find what you are looking for, but there is a question about whether or not it's fair to put your husband through this, even without his knowledge. You might be better off on your own, working through your own issues so that you can address the root of this sort of seeking feeling.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/10/why-happy-people-cheat/537882/