There’s a mom in our school who used to be nice to me a few years ago. Then she started to snub me very obviously for no apparent reason to the point that she would pretend she didn’t know me or didn’t see me, which has gone on for the last few years. She reached out to me this week as she’s trying to get a job in my industry and wants me to help her. WWYD?
I would ignore her.
This
Eh. I would help her. Be the change you want to see.
You are a better person than me. The way this post was written, the mean mom is absolutely using OP and I don't believe in rewarding people's negative behavior. I guess you have never run into others who are blatant users before.
@MidtownMom ITA with this. Also, do you really want to help someone who is clearly a backstabber? This could come back to bite you in your professional field. I would do it for something smaller, like a school event she is organizing. But this is serious, why bring trouble to your career?
@Anon this is good advice
I think people have a lot going on. I'd like to think I'm a kind person, but I'm also overwhelmed and so I might come across as "not seeing people". It seems like she was passively mean rather than actively mean, and this could be attributed to something other than ill feelings towards you.
@Anonymous OP this has been going on for a few years
Do you think she has the right skill set? Any endorsement you give is a reflection on your reputation.
@Anonymous OP I’m not going to be endorsing her, she’s trying to get into a new role and wanted me to help her think it through.
@Anonymous then there's your answer. So - no.
Ignore.
I'm very big on not endorsing when i think it will affect my own career poorly. I don't want someone coming back to me asking why I recommended so and so when they do a sucky job.
@Anonymous this is good advice
I think there is a difference between being the change you want to see (being kind) and going out of your way to help someone who is unkind to you. I met a similar mom in my preschool years - she went out of her way to ignore me, exclude me, etc. I am always nice to her when I run into her, but I would never go above and beyond to help her, because she isn’t a good person and she would only be using me. Like this mean mom is using you.
Agreed. You can be civil to someone and polite, but when they have actively snubbed you and are clearly using you its time to have some backbone and not let them walk all over you. Also, as PP stated, this person is obviously not a quality person so helping them professionally might end up making you look bad.
Ignore
ignore. I wouldn’t go out of my way to help someone who couldn’t even muster a “hello“ through the years.
i’m the poster who wrote be the change you want to see. I’m surprised that you ladies don’t know how to network without making it personal, don’t know how to make a referral without having it be a reflection on you, and don’t see the value in helping someone who hasn’t affirmatively been unkind, but when is perceived to have been aloof. Men would never do this. It seems so stereotypically female. I guess I’m not surprised for that reason.
“Then she started to snub me very obviously for no apparent reason to the point that she would pretend she didn’t know me or didn’t see me, which has gone on for the last few years.” This is the part we were all responding to. Along with the OP’s additional responsive comments/information. It is telling that when people didn‘t immediately align with you and your opinion, you resorted to unkind (and untrue) “perceptions”. Also, I can assure you that men aren’t doormats, either - at least not the ones I know. Many people network, refer, and associate with people are who kind or neutral (or friends thereof) - not people who “start[ ] to snub [them] very obviously for no apparent reason.”
without a concrete example, there is no possible way you can conclude that was a snub in fact Vs perception. The fact that many women think the same way doesn’t make it right. It makes it typical.