The last 2 years of marriage have been really bad. I had started to prepare, have been looking to get back to work since 2018, with no success. Being 50 does not help, especially since Covid happened.
He has always had "anger issues" over nothing and other things that I stupidly put up with for so long. Until the breaking point (and of course being stuck in an apartment since March only made everything worse) I had found some texts to a woman he had met at a dinner in 2017 (in his contact notes he only has the first name and wrote how he met her) that already made me cringe. I had always known the pw to his phone, so I checked a few times in the past months. But last week he changed it. There are other things he has been trying to hide.
He does extremely well financially and 3 years ago he had convinced me to leave my job (which did not pay much and I disliked - but still a job) citing how it made no sense, that I should "finally" just do something I like, that the money made no difference. Since then I have had no money coming in and he controls all finances. Our 2 dds are off to college (one his from his previous marriage the other is my daughter from ex dh) He has often "threatened" me of divorce in the past 3 months. Says he is just waiting for the pandemic to pass and then he'll have papers ready and does not owe me a thing (I signed a prenup).
I know I should speak to a lawyer, although I could really not afford to retain one - and someone I consulted with last year, said that "he has done a good job with the prenup" and that is not good news.
Anyway, the changed password (from someone who has kept the same for years) makes me more nervous. I have always been a good wife/partner, foolishly thinking he would certainly "calm down" go back to being the man I had fallen in love with 10 years ago. The fact that he might have a personality disorder does not make this any better.
The pandemic certainly does not make things easier...
Sorry for the long post, I need to vent tonight. Please no harsh comments if you can.
Do you like this person? Do you want to be married to him? That's the first thing to decide. If you do, then just ignore the side piece and keep being your wonderful self. Don't chase your dog. Let him come back on his own. Real life with the side piece won't be too interesting after long.
I fell in love head over heels with the man I met 10 years ago. We dated for 4 years and then married. Slowly (but starting immediately after our marriage) he became I guess who he was all along and was probably able to hide this all through the dating:
a completely different man, no empathy, no support and actually very keen on always putting me down for no reason, no interest in anything "family related", anger triggered by the slightest thing and a lot of "one way" arguments and verbal (and emotional) abuse. So I believe if you are a normal person, you do fall out of love, after enduring this kind of relationship. Yes, I am afraid (and he realizes that) because I have nothing. But have to make a better life, I just want to be around people who appreciate me and are kind.
@Anonymous no one would blame you for that. my very young dc asked me what i was doing, and i said i was replying to someone who said someone isn't being kind to them. what should i reply? dc said: stand up to them. tell them they are not being nice and they have to be nice to other people and to you. these are things you know deep in your soul. So start living the life you're meant to have. He will either catch up or you'll leave him in the dust. Either way, it's all good.
@Anonymous op- thank you so much...
I am sorry this is happening and you're right, the pandemic amplified the situation. Hard to make big life decisions right now. More important to me is your health. If he is seeing this woman who knows what he's bringing home and who else she is exposed to etc etc.
OP- Thank you. We have a 2 bedroom apartment and a month ago he moved to the other bedroom. Works out of there most of the day and at night spends hours on line. Some of it is playing some dumb sports game... not sure if he chats with anyone. He has recently turned 60 and I know he worries about the virus, so I would hope he is not exposed in any way...
@Anonymous where is dd?
@Anonymous university, in Europe.
Your DH has anger issues, is probably cheating on you, and created a situation in which you are financially dependent on him and can't divorce him without fear of poverty. You deserve so much better. You need to make a plan. You can leave him and not get divorced -- in fact, you should refuse to sign divorce papers and make him negotiate if he wants out. But you should consult not just an attorney, but a therapist and a close friend or family member, and really start planning your escape. This is not going to magically improve. I'm sorry.
op- I know this won't magically improve. I have been trying to create a plan for over 18 months. Covid of course paused and made everything more difficult.
I have a therapist I have been talking to for 2 years. Not much more than moral support. I don't have many friends (moved around a lot throughout my life) and of those few unfortunately, no one that would really help me with a plan - and apart from my dd I really don't have other family. This is not to say that I am just sitting here and hoping... but again, right now what is frustrating is that the state of the economy/job market and everything else does not help.
Thank you everyone for reading and for your feedback.
@Anonymous What is your background? What do you want to do employment wise? You could have a very productive second career if you'd like.
@Anonymous op- I have done different things in 25 years of work. To the point that I really don't know where I would fit in anymore. And not having worked for 3 years has made me loose a lot of confidence... I was primarily in communications, different companies. I am creative, I speak 2 foreign languages. But I am not tech savvy and not a social media wiz...
I would look into getting a legal separation with court-ordered maintenance, but not a divorce. An attorney should be able to navigate that for you (or at least tell you if that is available where you live). Your DH has money, and even though you signed a prenup, you have rights to it, at least while you are still married. You might even be better off (i.e., more sympathetic to a court) if you aren't working or able to earn an income.