I quit my job a couple of years ago to become a SAHM. While it's been great for the kids (especially during Covid), it hasn't been good for my marriage. My DH is resentful, even though he makes many multiples of what I could ever hope to make and we don't need my income. Should I go back to work just to shut him up, even though I wouldn't get to spend as much time with the children? This would, of course, be after we are all vaccinated, and things go somewhat back to normal.
Yes it will be better for you in the long term to be independent
I just quit my job in July due to the pandemic and unsafe work conditions. After working for 19 years, my husband is still resentful. I don't get it. I paid off the mortgage and all the big expense items such as vacations and camps/classes for DC. I feel cheated.
Maybe he would like to have the pressure taken off and spend some more time with his kids. not super fair for one person to shoulder all of it. once kids at school full time what else doing in day?
He is not going to scale back at work. He just started a new job, so taking more time with the kids isn't possible. Plus, he really likes his job and is good at it. That's not the problem. The problem is he is resentful that I am not working. He grew up middle-class with hard-working parents. They instilled in him the value of work. And I get it! I grew up the same way! And I like working too! The issue is that It just doesn't make financial sense for me to work. I would be working to pay for a nanny. Which maybe is okay to make him feel better?
Can you not work the sort of job where you don’t need a nanny once the kids are at school? Maybe you would get paid more than you think?
@Anonymous Yes, maybe I could make a bit more and just hire someone part-time. Realistically, though, I'm not ever going to make a ton of money.
Maybe you and the OR can talk to your DHs about why they feel resentful. Is it the pressure of being the sole breadwinner? Is it something else? Have that conversation so that you can MUTUALLY reach a decision for you to go back to work, if that's what you decide on. Maybe they just want to feel more appreciated, which can be fixed.
Ages of the kids?
11 and 9.
Seems doable to go back to some sort of work but with the current situation no
We both work, he makes much more than I do, I think he wouldn't care if I didn't but I would. I don't want to depend on someone else's money, I always hated asking my parents for money (and they didn't want to give me any) and I've had jobs since I was a teenager.
OP -- I have my own money. I worked for many, many years and created a little nest egg for myself. I've kept part of money separate from the family money.
@Anonymous right but you wouldn't have been able to keep it separate if your family weren't able to rely on your husband's income. this is probably the kind of thinking that makes him feel resentful.
If he makes much more than you , you are already relying on his money. In what world are you living ? If he lost his salary you’d be up a creek
One and a half working parents is the dream. One full time, one halftime. PSA for anyone who wants to go back to work f/t (or just more hours than the kids are in school): You don't have to cover the entire cost of childcare for it to be "worth" working! The kids' dad also needs childcare--and you are not required to be his free childcare--so do the accounting as if both parents are splitting the cost of the nanny/sitter/afterschool. Working also has worth beyond immediate $ gain, like improving your employment history and future earnings, letting the kids see both parents thrive/boss, and keeping the main breadwinner from worrying too much about what to do if their industry or company is threatened. Thinking about this because I am in the middle of it. But it's no use to you if you hate the whole idea! That is a different problem.
I make several times what DH makes so we don't need his income at all in the sense of depending on it to pay for basics, and yet I would be absolutely enraged if he didn't work. If the financial burden were 100% on me, my stress level would be 10,000 times worse, the stress would be unbearable. If I were married to OP, I'd also be resentful and insisting that she work, as it is just reading this thread is infuriating. No one owes OP the ability not to work. Just because she worked for a while and doesn't make as much as her DH does, and prefers not working and spending time with DC, does not mean her DH has to put up with that. OP, if I were you I'd be very worried about divorce, because if I were your DH and you insisted on not working, I'd insist on leaving.
When you quit your job to be SAHM, was it not a mutually agreed upon decision between you and your husband. If it was, he's being a jerk to be resentful. If the kids are school age now, you need to have a conversation about this. I don't get it why men will make our lives miserable when we moms leave our careers for the sake of kids. I've been through this and commiserate.
Seriously what kind of “men” are these?
Respectfully, I don't quite understand the resignation about not being able to make enough. You sound like you have the means and the resources to get trained/educated for a relatively good job. Certainly far more than a part time babysitter would be making for a few hours a day of work. I understand your last job might not have paid well but you should look for a position/career that pays you more so you can contribute substantially to the household rather than just throwing your hands up saying working is no use.
Totally agree. Sure, it's tough to get a job, and the DH makes a lot, but the DCs are not toddlers and it's not impossible. I really don't understand the mindset of "I don't make a fortune so there is no point in working." If the OP were a SAHD complaining about his DW, everyone would be telling him to man up and get a job!