Does anyone else have parents that were at best neglectful and at worse legitimately evil? Now that I have kids of my own, I finally see that my upbringing was not normal. Does it ever help to talk to them about their behavior towards you and tell them they hurt you? (Cont. in post below.)
help in what way?
Op- I guess in two ways. One, for them to apologize to help you heal emotionally. Two, so they see their behavior and stop being rude to you now.
that's too much to expect. If you do confront them, you need to do it with the expectation they will not accept anything you say. you do it for yourself.
Fell on deaf ears. Truly. My mom was all about herself. Damaged goods. I do miss her now that she's gone. After they died - and I mean years - and my own experience as a parent. I do love them and have some empathy for them.
Op- Random examples are medical neglect (not taking me to the dentist for years, refusing to take me to a psychologist when I had severe eating disorder or after I tried to kill myself); they‘d let me go over to boys houses without knowing anything about the parents or what was happening there; never celebrated my high school or college graduations even though I graduated with honors in both—it was future MIL who took me out to lunch and got me a graduation gift for college; mother would hit & kick me. They are still assholes to me.
so why interact with them at all?
I don’t talk to them much mainly because they don’t seem to be interested in my life or having a relationship with the kids. For several reasons I can’t cut them out completely, but that may change at some point.
If the several reasons are financial I would sever ties - really
Op- I don’t think they’ll have any money left when they pass because I expect my mother to have a long and slow decline, so it’s not about what’s in it for me. My dad occasionally puts a little money in the kids’ college funds (against my mom’s wishes), so I appreciate that. I mainly want to leave open the options that they can have a relationship with my kids if they want a positive & limited one. I’m also their power of attorney and my mother will have absolutely no one else when my dad dies. I am
not cruel and I don’t hate her, so I’ll help arrange her life to the best of my ability when she’s really old, but I won’t sacrifice my own life and family’s security for it.
They sound very toxic, and I'm wondering what you are getting out of continuing the relationship with them. You deserve better and should not tolerate anyone treating you that way.
Thank you for commenting, I need to think about stuff like this... My mother is absolutely toxic and out of control, my dad is just garden variety selfish and doesnt often look beyond his own immediate concerns. Problem is I cannot have a relationship with my dad without having one with my mom becauseof how they are. I don’t hate either of them but it’s helped a lot limiting my communication with them. I know it’s terrible to say but I will finally feel free when they die.
Yes. Hit with hands and belts. Lots of yelling. Emotional neglect....and more. Therapy has helped immensely. I don't need or want an apology: it changes nothing and means nothing. I am very, very low contact and am very happy with that. Please consider therapy, OP, and don't let your kids near them.
Neglectful. No point , I’m doing better w my own kids.