Thank you for commenting, I need to think about stuff like this... My mother is absolutely toxic and out of control, my dad is just garden variety selfish and doesnt often look beyond his own immediate concerns. Problem is I cannot have a relationship with my dad without having one with my mom becauseof how they are. I don’t hate either of them but it’s helped a lot limiting my communication with them. I know it’s terrible to say but I will finally feel free when they die.

I don’t talk to them much mainly because they don’t seem to be interested in my life or having a relationship with the kids. For several reasons I can’t cut them out completely, but that may change at some point.

If the several reasons are financial I would sever ties - really

Op- I don’t think they’ll have any money left when they pass because I expect my mother to have a long and slow decline, so it’s not about what’s in it for me. My dad occasionally puts a little money in the kids’ college funds (against my mom’s wishes), so I appreciate that. I mainly want to leave open the options that they can have a relationship with my kids if they want a positive & limited one. I’m also their power of attorney and my mother will have absolutely no one else when my dad dies. I am

not cruel and I don’t hate her, so I’ll help arrange her life to the best of my ability when she’s really old, but I won’t sacrifice my own life and family’s security for it.

that's too much to expect. If you do confront them, you need to do it with the expectation they will not accept anything you say. you do it for yourself.

Fell on deaf ears. Truly. My mom was all about herself. Damaged goods. I do miss her now that she's gone. After they died - and I mean years - and my own experience as a parent. I do love them and have some empathy for them.

Op- This describes my mother too. I suspect she’s a narcissis. Once many years ago I asked her if we could talk about how she’d hit and yelled at me a lot and how that hurt me, she just started crying and saying how difficult HER life had been.