We are the types who bathe daily, wash clothes frequently, sheets/towels at least once/week, etc. Caregiver is a mismatch. Seems to bathe infrequently, and seems to wash clothes infrequently, which look fine but smell bad. Not saying caregiver is the issue -- maybe we are. But whatever the reason for the mismatch, it feels unsustainable. Caregiver is otherwise wonderful and kind. Has anyone ever had to address this? How did you resolve it?
Given Covid, you could ask them to change immediately upon coming to your house in a different set of clothes, maybe a uniform? And suggest they leave them on the way out and you can rewash. I am not at all one to ask a caregiver to wear a uniform, but when I interviewed nannies, one of them just came and said she always wears a uniform and changes when she arrives. DD was a newborn them, so that may have to do with it. I know it's more work for you, but it's the only way I see. I can't imagine it will go well any other way.
This is a great idea in terms of clothes changing, and I wouldn't mind the laundry aspect at all. Would just buy a few and then do wash it all weekly. But (and this is a big but), dc isn't a baby, so might seem weird? And caregiver drives to avoid the subway, so might seem especially strange to ask for clothes changing. I think I could get away with it if the subway were involved but absent that, I think it's tough, and might seem weird? Any thoughts? I really need help with this. It's really bad. DF suggested putting diffusers around, so might give that a try.
I think it would be totally normal for Covid times. A lot of us wiped groceries with alcohol wipes just a few months ago, people are still having varying degrees of being careful (or a little crazy) and that's OK. I don't know if I could ask her to take a shower as someone suggests below but if you could go ahead. What's to lose? It seems you can't adjust to the smell so it's either trying something or losing the nanny.
@Anon Would LOVE to ask her to take a shower here, but that feels like a step too far -- haha! :) I think the most I could do would be change of clothes, which I'm not even sure would address the fundamental problem.
Gross. Would be a dealbreaker for me.
I hear you, but she really is wonderful otherwise. If we could just fix this one issue, everything would be great. But it's gotten bad, and I just can't think of a kind way to address it :(
@Anonymous Was this always there - during interview and initial working time or did it come up later? Maybe something going on at home? Either way directly addressing it in a nice way is the way to go. I cannot believe there are poster suggesting you fire this person without discussing first.
@Anonymous No indication during the interview process. I'm also very sensitive to ripped clothes, etc, and it's really not that at all. It's really just insufficient washing.
Is she from another background from you? As in are you white and she’s not? Bc this is often a cultural difference or even a very American thing—Europeans, Russians, Israelis etc also generally have a more ‘natural‘ approach when it comes to cleanliness. I don’t have a sensitive nose, so this wouldn’t be an issue for me. I liked that you were careful in your post to say it’s not her issue and it may be yours. I’m not sure if you really believe that, but for me a good caregiver is a special thing. I would absolutely not throw that away over a ‘hygiene mismatch‘ as you call it. If this woman is from a different background from you, I’d also urge you to challenge your own expectations and work on acceptance (plus diffusers). YMMV that’s my take I know others might say it’s your home you should be able to have it your way.
Just think if you’re a person of color and your hair isn’t straight and your employer finds that to be ‘messy.’ On the one hand, you could say employer makes the rules on the other this is likely a case of implicit bias and as we move forward I as a culture/society, what direction do we want to go in?
This is not a situation of not wanting someone with braids or an afro or thinking that another cultural approach is "messy" or "unclean". Not that situation at all. Just a run of the mill majority person involved :)
And btw, I agree that a great caregiver is to be cherished. But this is just beyond for us as a family, so trying to figure out how to deal with it while preserving the relationship.
So are you saying you are all white and she’s from the same background as you? There may be other factors at play that you’re not aware of. She likely doesn’t have a washer and dryer in her apartment and has to go to the laundromat which can be expensive and with Covid she may be more nervous etc.
i'm very smell sensitive, so this would be hard for me. but i'm also a decent person, so i wouldn't want to say anything and make her feel bad. can you just stay in another room while she is babysitting. isn't she there for the kids anyway not you?
it bothers dc, who mentioned it :( DH has mentioned it. I noticed it and ignored, but it was definitely noticeable.
I would tell Dc to deal but that’s me. People don’t always smell the same way we do and many things in life are outside our control. I don’t think a kid should dictate the hygiene habits of an adult. That’s my personal opinion but again to each her own.
disgusting.
OK... this might sound crazy, but one way to white-lie your way to a resolution is to treat it as some kind of allergen rather than a stench. E.g. say "I think there's something at your house that you're bringing her that is causing me and DC to have a kind of allergic reaction. I feel so embarrassed about it, he said that you "smell funny," but I think it's just something that is bothering him, and maybe me too. I don't know if it's cats, plants, or what, but I'm hoping you'll work with me to troubleshoot this. I don't mean to get overly personal, but if it's possible for you to shower and change into clothes that we provide you here, we'd really appreciate that. Would you be willing to do that? I'm happy to get you whatever body-wash you prefer, pay you for that time, whatever we can do to make this work."
And then just see where the conversation goes... is this too crazy? I don't know if I'd have the chutzpah myself!
Why is everyone so afraid of just having a direct conversation? We have had these issues in office environment and HR / manager had discussion with employee. It can be done in a nice way.
@Anonymous I am someone who thinks the right thing to do is address this, but it is much easier to do that in an office environment with someone from HR, than to do it as a family employer with someone who comes into your home every day. I'm a very direct person and don't shy away from difficult situations, but as someone who works with people in the home and also at work, it's much more difficult to have hard conversations (and this is on a personal issue) and give feedback with home employees than work employees. And it has zero to do with credentials or anything like that; it has to do with the fact that there's a difference between people who are in your home vs. in your workplace.
@anonymous OP here, and exactly this. I am extremely direct, but this type of thing I would hand off to HR in the workplace and let them deal with it. You just don't want to be talking about personal hygiene with team members or colleagues because it can also raise legal issues. A home situation is totally, totally different, though I have been thinking about asking some HR friends how to have this conversation.