Im in my mid 30s, divorced, living in the city with a child which I share custody with my ex. I have my own business which is doing well and live a comfortable life. I've been divorced for almost 3 years and recently started dating again (mostly online) but I'm finding it extremely difficult, mostly due to my financial status.
I honestly do not care how much a guy makes, as long as he is able to provide for himself and enjoys what he does. I am however looking for an equal partnership, and if we go out, I want to split the bill or take turns picking up the bill. I usually let my dates choose the restaurant or activity, but I find that after a while (usually after they see where I live or look me/my business up online and have a better sense on my financial status), a lot of men - actually all men so far - start to indicate that they want me to take care of the check or start ordering expensive wine when it's my turn to get the check (I'm not much of a drinker), etc.
I made significantly less when I was single, working as an employee and never experienced this. Most men I go on dates are older than me, most of them in their 40s. Is this just the reality of being an accomplished women?? I know dating at this age (+with a kid) is difficult in general but it's really disappointing to see how the dynamics shift once they sense my financial status...I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and I can only hide so much of who I am when dating and trying to get to know one another..any advice??
Those guys are jerks and you shouldn’t see them again after they pull a stunt like this. None of them is serious and because you can afford it, they are using you to level the playing field for when their dates insist that they pay. Keep searching.
Any guy who does not have the drive to at least pay their own way, and yours, is missing something.
I would ditch ‘em. The serious ones will stick around.
Agree with ditching men who act as you describe. Date a teacher at your kid's school. It worked for Mackenzie Scott.
Thank you for the words of wisdom. It was nice to vent here. It's exhausting but guess it will all be worth it when I meet the one.
Decide you won't be exhausted until you've kissed the 10,000th frog and he stayed a frog. I'm imagining you'll come upon Prince Charming well before then.
Any man who would expect you to pick up the bill is not worth dating. Pay that one time and then never see them again. There are decent men out there.
Why even agree to pay that one time? They can indicate they prefer that she picked up the bill and she can just say "I'd prefer if we split it". And still never see them again.
If it's happened so many times it begs the question - who exactly are you picking? The gorgeous men with no careers? Could you consider someone maybe less attractive but with a better personality and conscience (and career)...?
@Anonymous second this. I can’t imagine going out with a guy in his 40s+ who doesn’t pick up a tab. in this age group even a guy in the middle of the pack should be able to take you out to a nice restaurant and pay. Sounds like you need to raise a bar on who you meet.
This is so odd. It has been shown that one of the things that can really destroy a relationship is when a man either is not working at all, or when the woman makes a lot more than he does. There is such an intrinsic drive in men to provide, that when they can't, it really messes with them. For some reason, you are finding the anomalies who don't fit this.
I think you have a very outdated view of what is considered "anomalous". The number of men with breadwinning wives or who are otherwise not provided for their partners and children or who are providing in non-economic belies the idea that men have an overriding drive financially to provide for their spouses and dependents.
@Anonymous Well, there are of course outliers. But, we have evolutionary drives that exist whether you choose to believe it or not. Also, I did not say 'economic' drive. But, in modern times, the main way to provide is economic - in the past, it would have been through other resources. This is why it's strange that a guy in, what would be the courtship stage, would not be at all interested in showing his ability to provide. What happens later, when you have an established relationship, might be different - but in an early stage, it is not a good sign that they are not trying to show that they have the drive to/can provide. Maybe, in the original poster's case, there's a reason they have no interest in proving this. Or, maybe as one reply suggested, she's choosing men initially based on looks, etc - the guys who get by/get laid on looks.
@Anonymous honestly, after decades married to a man with a ton of drive, if i were dating now i'd pick someone with less of it.