DD is 12 and bright but immature. She is fairly new to phone usage and group communications. I check her conversation occasionally to see how she is doing and what is going on. Last night I found two chats, one between dd and a girl who is a casual friend who was being ostracized and a second chat with dd and the group excluding the girl. DD was awful in both chats. She told the girl being ostracized that she couldn’t lose 15 friends to save one friendship and in the larger group chat dd turned on her friend calling her “a needy bitch” and generally being a complete a*hole. The entire larger chat was completely awful, it wasn’t just my dd - it was kind of a mob frenzy and a little scary tbh.
I am so angry and disappointed in dd. Thinking about how to address and what to do. I really don’t think she is generally a mean kid like this but rather that she got carried away in the moment but either way of course this is terrible.
I would really appreciate thoughts on how to address and handle. I don’t think taking the phone away gets to the real issue. I will obviously talk with her about this but want the conversation to have lasting effects. Thank you
Take the phone away. People feel empowered to say things in an email or a message (and not just anonymous boards) that they would never say to someone’s face. That has to be an additional consequence. Ask her to put herself in the other girls shoes and also ask her why she wants to be friends with people who act this way - ask if it has happened to anyone else or if she has ever been excluded, etc. Hopefully she will come to the conclusion on her own that she needs to apologize but I would plant the seed if she doesn’t get there by end of day tomorrow
I’ll also add, talk to her about being the hero (maybe not in those words) but explain about how people follow bullies out of fear but it often takes just one person standing up to empower everyone else to do the same. Ask about other kids in the group -e.g., would “Sarah” or “Sofia” actually say something like that on her own or is it just because of the group, etc.
@Anonymous OP - thank you for this excellent advice.
Maybe you could focus on developing empathy by reading books/watching tv about bullying. Books like Wonder, and maybe there are documentaries on the topic? I would try to find a guidance counselor who has resources. While taking the phone away is not enough, it is the minimum required.
Thankfully She’s not the bully and you’re not the parent of the bully. She can use this as an experience to learn from.
Can you explain why you say the daughter is not bullying in this situation?
it doesn’t sound like her Dd is the leader. Also this OP actually recognizes how awful this behavior is
@Anonymous I think that even followers can be bullies and that is an important lesson for DC, who seemed to feel pressure to act poorly towards the friend.
Taking away the phone is a must. I agree it doesn't get the heart of the problem, but it is a direct consequence for this particular behavior and actions have consequences. As to getting through to DD, the above posters have given some good advice.
Once DD gets her phone back though, she should be aware that you are going to be monitoring her conversations daily (and you need to do this). The power of what someone can do on a phone is kind of huge when you think about it. As PP noted, grown adults are more likely to say something via text, social media, etc. that they would never say to a person's face. If DD is immature already, not caving to very serious and very real pressure will be that much harder. But if she knows you will always be reading what she is writing, she might be more likely to think twice about what she writes (until she is mature enough to act appropriately without you "looking over her shoulder.")
ITA. I can read all of DD's messages and do so occasionally, and she knows that. I have told her not to write something she won't be happy for me or her teachers to read. We have talked and talked about how saying things in chat never go away, they can be easily forwarded. It's a learning process but in the meantime, take away the phone for a couple of weeks.
Agree. I had a similar issue with my kid. I took the phone away for a week and now I monitor all communications. Every time I see an issue, even if it's another kid engaging in the inappropriate behavior, I talk to my kid about it.
OP again - I really appreciate all the great advice here and agree 100% with all of it and it’s all actionable. Thank you again.
In your shoes, I would forward the messages to myself, print them both out, and have stacks of them and envelopes. I would fill out the envelopes to dd's teachers, friends, the girl's parents, relatives, basically everyone I can think of. And let her see the stacks growing. I would tell dd I'm mailing them out along with a cover note that explains how disappointed I am in her behavior.
When the hysteria dies down, tell her you won't do it. But show her the stacks of mail. It's an illustration of what the internet actually looks like. Worse because all of those people can forward to 10 more people.
It's imperative to be the person you want to be ALL THE TIME. In EVERY forum. And if she would be mortified by the concept of sending all those letters out, it's time to reevaluate who she is and how she presents herself.
Maybe the exaggerated lesson and the threat of such serious embarrassment will hit home.
Damn, you're hard core. I love it! Seriously, not sure everyone would have that kind of time, but a visual like that is very powerful.
@MidtownMom She'd commit to changing her ways long before you even got a hand cramp :)
Seriously, though, I think kids don't realize the power of the internet. It's like God. It's just impossible to get your mind around how big and vast and powerful it is. How it can ruin your life. And how everything is on display now in a way that it never, ever was when today's adults were kids. It's so, so hard. And it leaves so little room for error.
@Anonymous Totally agree.
I’m sorry, my son is newly 12 with a new phone. I’ve talked to him about minor things already. I said imagine if his parents saw this? They would tell him not to speak with you. I reiterated he had to be nice and he‘d lose the phone if I ever get a call from a kid or parent. we also talked about social responsibilities to not hurt people , do or say something you can’t take back
As a mom of an older teen, I agree with everything that was said here and have witnessed, all too often, stupid things young kids do on their phones having HUGE consequences including being suspended from school and not being able to attend graduation. Nip this in the bud! Also, if you've read it I'm sure other parents have too and are talking about it. These things get around. I also have a 6th grader and am shocked by what I see other kids in the grade doing online... parents check their kids' phones and often record what they see. Some even send it to the school if it's alarming. Phones seem like a necessary evil, especially now, but we have to stay on top of them, set limits, use the screen time app, no social till 14 (at least) and monitor texts. Absolutely nothing is private and nothing goes away