I told her she wasn’t going to be allowed to bake if she only washes her dishes. We are a family and she’s to wash all the dishes in the sink once she’s done baking or she won’t bake at all. Dh agrees with me but thinks I’m being harsh and/or over dramatic. How would you handle? Tia.
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Jan 26, 2021
13 yo dc will bake and will only wash dishes she dirtied. I find this so selfish and inconsiderate. Thoughts?
13 yo dc will bake and will only wash dishes she dirtied. I find this so selfish and inconsiderate. Thoughts?
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Why should she be responsible for others’ decisions to let dishes accumulate? I don’t understand this. This just sets up incentives for everyone to let dishes pile up until she bakes so that it all becomes her problem. I think you’re being completely unreasonable and irrational. Set up a schedule for everyone to take turns doing dishes if it’s that much of an issue.
Ps I think it’s awesome that she cleans up after herself. I really don’t see the problem here. If she dirtied dishes and left them for someone else, you’d have a totally valid complaint. But you’re complaining that she cleans up after herself but doesn’t clean up after you. But why shouldn’t YOU be responsible for cleaning up after you? Why is that her job?
Op: no that’s not how it works. I normally make breakfast, lunch and dinner for the family. I also do the dishes afterwards. Sometimes in the evenings, I leave the dishes either for dh or for me to do the following morning (normally this). I told her if she wanted to bake, she had to wash all dishes. She baked and only washed hers. We’re not roommates. We’re a family. I don’t just make breakfast or lunch for myself. I make it for all of us. Same applies to dish washing imo.
but you guys have already made a decision to leave the dishes overnight. Why should that change because she uses and washes additional dishes? You’re net net in exactly the same position you would have been otherwise. That’s why this makes zero sense. She is not adding to your burden. You don’t have a single extra dish to do. Does she bake only for herself or do you and dh enjoy it too?
Op: no she’s baking for herself. I actually prefer that she not bake so much (but that’s another post). My problem is that I see her decision to only wash her dishes as selfish. Maybe I’m wrong? That’s why I’m asking. I just can’t imagine doing that as a kid. Now granted, my mother wouldn’t let me near her kitchen to cook/bake anything. But she sure made me wash dishes (and not just the ones that I dirtied).
If my 13 yo dd even put the dishes she used for baking in the sink, I'd drop to my knees and thank the lord.
Op: really? Wow.....do you have outside help? With my dd, I spend all day long taking dirty dishes out of her room.
SAME
One more. Mine will only clean them from the table after I specifically told her so (Tries to leave the table without clean up every single time). Then drop them in the sink and make faces when I ask her to put them in the dishwasher.
It sounds like you need to take a step back. You're making this about the dishes when it sounds like what's really going on is that you you want more participation from the family to keep things going. It's definitely more messy and more work to have everyone home full time. Personally, my first move would be to say that dishes don't sit in the sink overnight. Ever. Someone--you, DD or DH--needs to clean them before bed. Take turns, create a schedule or whatever works, but leaving them overnight just leaves one more thing for someone to do the next morning (or no one does it in the a.m. and they sit throughout the day). Then, consider what other help you need. Laundry, pet care, meal prep, vacuum or tidying up, whatever. There is nothing wrong with asking your 13 yo to do chores. If doing dishes is part of it, great. But don't leave dishes in the sink and then get mad when she doesn't do them when she wants to bake. She's cleaning up after herself, which is great, but it sounds like leaving dishes in the sink is creating a problem.
THIS. Setting up the family expectation that dirty dishes just sit in the sink until the next morning is the problem here. All of you have tacitly agreed that this is how dirty dishes are handled. I think you've got a great kid who is cleaning up after herself despite other folks dirty dishes sitting in her way! If you want her to do all the dishes, then set up a house rule that after you cook a meal, she cleans up after everyone eats. Honestly though, if your husband isn't cooking he should help clean up as well to model the good behavior for your daughter.
I agree with you, op. Completely selfish and a bad habit. When I was younger, I lived with roommates, and there were many over several years. The worst roommates in multiple ways were the ones who had “their” plate and “their” glass and refused to engage in collective living and pitch in, and the best were the ones who would share and think of others, occasionally cook for the group, do things that needed to be done without keeping score or griping. If Everyone in the household operated that way, you’d be living in a rooming house, not a family home. That said, she’s at a particularly obnoxious age, and that’s probably all this is, I was a slob at 13 and it’s not who I am today,
You're talking about creating a situation where someone is a doormat - just do it for the benefit of the group and then complain that others are not pitching in. On the flip side, others take advantage. Not how it should work, but I'm not surprised that you think it is.
@Anonymous I'm doing nothing of the sort. I actually ended up dating one of the "good" roommates and am now married to him, for decades. He is an equal partner who shares all duties (including household stuff and childcare) equally, and neither of us has to ask the other to pull their weight.
If you call that a doormat, that's just fine with me.
A short roommate story: I did often just clean up if I was already doing it, and didn't care whose mess I was cleaning. That's not to say I always did it--I definitely did my share of slacking. But when I lost my job in the dot-com crash, one of my roommates ended up lending me my share of the rent for a couple of months. When I went to pay him back, he refused, and said "thanks for all the dishes." :)